I’m a dick, I’m addicted to you.
I’m not the healthiest of people. If we were to honestly talk about things I feel I can’t go without, it would be sugar and sugary foods and really just food in general. I love eating, and I know that it’s taking a toll on my body.
However, this is not a conversation about my eating habits, I have had to many of those conversations in my life to be able to write about it with any amount of seriousness.
I need people. Specific people. This is something that got me in trouble in high school. You may call me clingy, but once I find someone I like spending time with, I feel a need to keep spending time with them to a point where many people felt claustrophobic. This is how I’ve been my whole life. My family talks about how when I was first adopted at 11 months, I would only go to my mom, and was like that for many years. My first best friend was my only friend in elementary school. When I moved from my small town I was absolutely crushed and became distant but in a way even worse, clinging to people like they were my life boat. Obsessed.
In high school I had a few friends who I tried very hard to be normal with, but I know that my need to spend as much time with them as possible drove many away. I would become jealous every time they made a new friend and try to keep them from making more. I loosened up a bit when I went to college, I became more able to realize that I have a problem and that I can’t expect people to constantly be only mine.
Unfortunately, I still feel myself slipping into this addiction from time to time. With my best friends I am able to let them have their own lives. Occasionally I still get this feeling when they don’t respond to phone calls or texts, that they don’t want to be my friend anymore or that I’ve done something so wrong that they won’t even speak to me anymore. I become resentful and fearful and with that I lash out in anger and frustration.
I large part of this is that I find myself manipulative and that is the scariest part of it all. I am thankful to have a husband who can put up with me and knows my insecurities. I know I frustrate him a lot and that he’s had to put up with more than I think he ever wanted to in a relationship because of this. I have an especially hard time when he doesn’t want to spend time with me for whatever reason. Which I know is hard on him because he’s a fairly private person who likes to have alone time.
My 1 year old daughter is showing a lot of the same clinginess that I am said to have had. I worry that she’ll struggle with many of the same issues I had, or worse I will be the cause of her issues.
Anyway, if you made it through this, I’m sorry it was so long. Please, enjoy an ice cream bar as a treat for making it through this.
this post was prompted by today’s Daily Post prompt.